irritating

a facebook friend put this up as a note. i was very... frustrated with it to say the least. anywho here it is:

To all my Democrat friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.



To all my Republican friends:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

christmas eve.

ive always found breaks from school a good time to reflect. on what you ask? on how petty the whole thing really is, christmas i mean. and i know it sounds scroogey and cliche, but thats what its come to nowadays. its the day before christmas eve. im listening to beautiful instrumental music, im warm although my always cold fingers are holding to their legacy. but if future shadi were to visit my room or even house right now, they would never guess its christmas time. although there is a christmasy snowman on the wrapper of the butterscotch im eating. every year, i look forward to christmas, the gifts, the sales, the excuses to shop... but every year i wake up on christmas day and i feel exactly the same as the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that.* just a little more disappointed. i wish santa were real, so he could visit me, hold me, ask me what i want, and i would simply ask for a day that feels different. life is underwhelming, and holidays are false hope for change.

anywho, today i saw the movie 'up in the air'. it wouldnt recommend it if you dont like r rated content, but it was most definitely thought provoking. its about a man who spends most of the year up in the air, in air planes traveling because he fires people for a living. can you imagine the thrill of always seeing the world from above? would it make the world feel big, and you small? or you big, and the world small? can you imagine traveling the same distance as going round trip to the moon 20 times? i think it would be spectacular. i love flying, and travel. i love airport food and drinks in the planes, and just the whole thing. but i dont know if i could be alone that often. technically the guy is homeless for goodness sake, thats pretty extreme. anywho...

i will blog more, i will blog more, i will blog more... etc.
just so you know. (new years res.)

so goodbye.
*on a side note, im quite the opposite about new years. im painfully aware of the passing time. i remember the transition between 07 and 08 where i claimed i had an 07 bubble that people could visit if they wanted to, and it surrounded me and kept me safe. talk about stuck in the past...

Wasting Time...

So I'm at school right now, supposed to be working on a final project in creative writing, because i go to a school with trimesters, and we are very close to the end of the first. I'm going to press some leaves and flowers and make a collage thingy, with a word in the middle saying something like quiet, or within, something journaly. It's going to be a journal cover if you didn't guess that.

School is pretty great, and its almost a third of the way through. When did that happen? I feel like this is just maybe the 2nd or 3rd week of school. But the time has passed and i cant make it come back. Not that i want to.

Why is it that time goes by faster and faster as you get older? I've had this theory for a while that because each year is a smaller fraction or percentage of your life, it feels shorter and shorter. Its just a thought.

I need to write more, and not just blogging, but also just journaling, or stories. And before tackling a novel, just write a short story. I honestly know that I'm a pretty good writer, and I definitely want to do it on the side as I grow older, but if I ever want to get published, I need to sit down and just write. So I think I will now. A poem for you:

With four legs, I walk to the bones of my owner.
As she moves, I wonder why she cleans my excess.
I watch her mouth as I hear her sound when she bends over.

Why does she feel like her mouth does not deserve
what mine begs for every morning and evening?
I am small yet heavy,
she is large and light.

I do not know how to talk to my only love,
my caretaker. She rattles as she shakes,
I cannot look into her eyes.

So thats all! Leave comments!

So I need to blog more. And to get it to happen, I'm going to start using prompts and just writing. Ha, I dont promise it'll be any good. (credit to my english teacher who does questions like these every day as 'quick writes')

Warning: I will not censor these.

What is the worst thing that parents can do to their children?

Lately, I've been watching a lot of Law and Order SVU. I personally think that probably the worst thing a parent can do to a child is sexually and/or physically abuse them. It messes with their psyche for the rest of their lives. But I don't quite think that's what the question is wanting.

Well personally, not listening to the childs side of the story in a dispute is a problem. Sometimes, don't you want your parents to just listen? I know I do.

Once upon a time, I got in trouble. (gasp!) I supposedly cheated on an assignment, and I, along with my co-conspirator were sent to the principals office. Parents called, then phone handed to us.

What did you do?
Mom...
No, I don't want to hear your excuses. We'll have a talk about this at home.

(At home)
What did you do?
I...
You're grounded!
But..
Now! got to your room!

well anyways, thats all for today.

<3

Umm...

So i know i havent blogged in a while, but im just going to get it over with.

Today at school, a guy gave me his number, and says "I want to keep talking," and walks out. 

And here's the problem. Does he like me? or is he just nice?

at my school, theres  a teacher who provides coffee, and i keep forgetting a mug. Today, when he came into school, he walks up to me and gives me a mug and says, yeah i have like 8 at home, so you can use it. so again, likes me or nice?

then later when i go to get coffee, it tastes like piss, so i throw it out. when i come back in, he asks me, "do you want some of my coffee?" i needed caffeine, so i said yes. once again, likes me or nice. When we start class, hes my partner, and we start talking, and i find out hes a christian, hasnt done drugs, has a motorcycle, and just like a good guy. but i dont know.

so next hour, he happens to know what class i have and walks in and hands me his number. What do you think? im so confused, and i think maybe im leading him on. but i also wouldnt mind having a guy friend. but im pretty sure i dont want a boyfriend. any thoughts?

This made me cry today. i <3 jesus.

 Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to men who know the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives? For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.

 So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God. For when we were controlled by the sinful nature,the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death. But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

 What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.

 For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! 
      

 

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

 You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

 Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 
  

 

 "For your sake we face death all day long; 


     we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

 

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

story i was telling you about (a while back)

Chrysanthemum 

My eyes shot open to the unpleasant sound of my alarm. Annoyance with myself settled as I realized I had forgotten to turn the thing off the night before. It looked beautiful outside, untouched, but I smacked the snooze button as hard as I could. I was not ready for a new day yet. 9 minutes later I kicked out of bed. As I walked through the upstairs hallway, I could smell the intoxicating smell of baking cookies. I walked into the chaotic kitchen and gave my mother a kiss before I headed into my front yard. I wished the neighbors stupid dog would shut up, and as  I heard rustling in my bushes, I rushed over to make sure he had not stomped my carefully tended garden. As I saw no damage, I let out a sigh of relief. In the corner of my eye, I saw a rainbow reflecting off the dew on the grass. I took off my sandals and walked barefoot around in the grass. I waved goodbye to my workaholic neighbor heading off in her ford to new jersey. I looked up in the trees and heard the birds chirping at one another. Feeling satisfied, I started to head inside. 

Then something caught my eye. I turned around to see what it was. It was the prettiest, whitest, fullest chrysanthemum I had ever seen! No leaves had fallen around it to rob it of its claim, and it had chosen the healthiest patch of  grass in my front yard to make its domain. A bee had noticed it as well as I, and was taking full advantage of its discovery. Its label as a weed insulted its existence. A shiver ran up my spine and I looked at cloudy sky. I ran quickly back inside to get my raincoat and my breakfast of lemonade and cookies. I sat on my porch trying to seep in the beauty of the flower as I ate, and it started to rain. I took my last bite, and waited for the rain to stop, growing sleepy.

 The sudden absence of noise woke me up, and I saw the rain had finally stopped. I wanted to go back inside, but I wanted to continue to observe the discovery I had made that morning. I slowly walked on the wet lawn without my shoes, with full intention of picking my flower. My cat walked over to me, and meowed a meow of disapproval, as if she knew my intentions. As I looked into her thin irised eyes, I changed my mind and turned around to go inside and live out the rest of my day, thinking about the chrysanthemum, hoping it would last forever.

2 (or 4) things i want to hear thoughts about

blogging, hmm.

well its due time.

2 subjects today.

1. apologizing.

why do we apologize so much? and for things we definitely cant control? things that are not our fault? and is it a good thing?

maybe im alone in this flaw, but i want to address it anyway. i find myself apologizing at least once a minute, and i know its annoying. do i feel guilty? comment...

2. spiritual war!

ugh bible class, but whats new?

the name Kay Arthur results in such revulsion from me its sad.

she did a whole "teaching" (advertisement really) on how we are witnessing to God and angels and demons. 

which i do NOT agree with.

me- hi. i go to a nondenominational school

bystander- what do you learn?

me-  about how wrong my teachings are and how i have to bend into a smaller mold. basically how im wrong in general.

bystander- you go to ets, dont you.

me- yup.

ugh! anyway. this women takes a single verse from the entire book of ephesians (6:12) , (and the bible) and decides that things in heaven need witnessing. and that we are fighting the spiritual forces trying to take down jesus. thoughts please.

3. (i know i said 2) the opposite of chrisitianity.

ive been writing this post over 2 days and today i was with my mother and some of her friends talking about another believer. apparently the women has been doing a bible study at her church and was showing the cirriculum she was using to "susie". susie was telling my mom that the book was teaching socialism, not chrisitianity. (those are opposites, you know) susie said this believer was being misled. it made me sad, because i love susie, shes a very dear friend of mine. i feel shes being misled.

and 4. end times

ive learned to focus on life before death, but its still interesting. ive been talking about the signs with different people, and i question things like a one world gov't and currency. just because them happening means jesus is on his way, does that mean theyre bad? more thoughts please...

i know i havent really said much, but im hoping this post is more of a dicussion starter. 

love you guys!

um.. random things.

so I'm writing a post as i wait for someone to get on chat. 

Ive decided to become vegetarian. well at least cut out red meat.

and i think I'm going to try to wear more dresses and skirts. they are so much more free.

on a different note, i was thinking about writing a blog at school today. and i don't remember what i was thinking about writing about then, but i just thought i should mention it. ha ha.

i was reading the bible in bible class today (which is a rarity i assure you) and i came across something interesting. somewhere where i was reading it was talking about peter being shown a vision where there was a whole bunch of unclean animals and God tells him to eat. (of the unclean animals) peter tells God that he has never eaten anything unclean. peter wonders what the vision means. 

later, it is revealed that it means that he now has to share the good news with the gentile too.

so Jesus came for the Jews, and the disciples are the ones that spread to the gentiles.

Ive heard my pastor say that many times, and i always took it as blasphemous. 

dont take this the wrong way. i realize jesus died for all nations. he just came for the jews first.

you know, and ive thought about this a lot, have you ever asked yourself why God chose the jews? i definitely have. many say because God was preparing a bloodline for Jesus. but God could have chosen any race at all to serve his purpose. but he chose the jews. leave your feedback :)

so ive been listening to clair de lune by debussy, which i have fallen in love with. i like it almost as much as raindrop by chopin.

and michael is going to say something to the effect of, "i told you so. just trust me!"

haha.

well thats all for now. 

leave comments! :)

yay

so im writing blogs a lot more recently

i made a slight breakthrough, i suppose a very large update.

im happier
there are lots of things to happy about

i suppose i had a very low fall in my roller coaster last night.
im hoping to smooth out the rest of my way.

i really do have a lot of people that love me a lot.
and i appreciate it.
really.

so sometime when i have time i will put a story i wrote once on here, one that i love. about a chrysanthemum.

one last thing

a very wise person once told me that all the darkness in the world cannot put out one candle.

i see that now.

...

depression is too big of a problem in teens

i wish this could be one of those, lets do something about it guys!, kinda blogs, but its not. its me writing down how i feel right now. which isnt great.

if you were to ask me why i was depressed, i couldnt tell you exactly. but that doesnt change the fact that its still there.

i thought i had made some progress, but maybe not. well, i definately have in one area, a very important one, but i guess something is better than nothing.

this is not a cry for help, just a venting. but if you really think you have something to say, go ahead.

well, thats how it stands now.

sorry.

progress

so another huge pressure from my multitude of followers....
haha, i really dont mind

i thought i would make this one a little less formal if you dont mind. (actually i dont care if you do)

so im writing a book now...
heres the beginning

1. My name is Charity, and I’m a psychic, a telepath specifically. And sometimes life is hard. I’m not a telepath in what people usually think about the meaning of the word. I don’t read all thoughts, all the time, just some, some of the times. The easiest to read are the loud ones, ones that are screamed in someone’s head, like someone in pain, or someone in love. Most thoughts are amusing, and some hurt. What complicates things is that I hear all thoughts as my own, and it can sometimes get confusing. But I have always tried my hardest to live my life in a simple, and as normal as possible, way. But, that’s always been a little hard. I haven’t always known I was a tepe, but I always have been one. I used to think I was simply emotional, and had macho “thought swings.” But now I know that what I feel is not all my own.
So I thought I would share my story, starting from the beginning. I was born in New York City. When I was a little kid, I would always walk past the school building I would be going to and ask when I would start school. I suppose I’ve always been in a hurry, because now, I can’t wait to get my real life started. Anyways, my mom would tell me soon, and I waited, till I was six. That’s about all of my life that I remember before age 6. From my parent’s stories, I know I was a very outspoken kid. I would walk up to people that were smoking and ask them, “why are you smoking? That’s going to kill you! You should stop.” I suppose I took the speech that smoking kills really seriously. And what’s great is that I did this several times.

its really rough, but its a start.

i thought i would post some poems i wrote in the past


CONNECTIONS
(how to read: the odd lines go together, and the evens go together. i know, a little confusing...)

Fire,

Talking

is warm,

is calming

it can be friend,

it can be fun,

or foe,

or painful,

contained,

small talk,

or let go.

or a large spill.

it is sometimes

it is sometimes

your greatest want,


your greatest want,

sometimes it will

sometimes it will

spread like wild.

spread like wild.

it burns.

it burns.

SPILLING
To be trusted with a spill is a large responsibility
You can tell, or keep
You can smile or weep
You might react badly
And make the other feel sadly
oh, what to do with a spill.

so, um... peace.

no longer discouraged

so i thought i would write a blog because of the huge pressure from my multitude of followers.

but i really dont know what to say.

so some things that i have decided on.

1. im going to paint more. it makes me happy.
2. shit is gross.
3. more bubble tea. makes me giggle.
4. life before death does exist! yay!
5. there actually is a good asian place in tulsa that im going to more often.
6. talking to someone helps.
7. rh is AMAZING.
8. i love kayde.
9. ill write more blogs.
10. what i say does matter to someone.
11. same for what i think.
12. maybe jesus doesnt suck.
13. shane claiborne is living my life.
14. im going to write 20 of these things.
15. im not going to be so self depracating. sp?
16. im looking forward to the comments on this blog.
17. cussing isnt bad.
18. i like twilight i dont give a crap what you think about that.
19. love helps life be worth it.
20. and last, but not least, i have hope.

so, that about sums up my decisions (and beliefs i guess)

ill end with this.

ive experienced shit, but shit (as stated above) is gross, and not to be dwelt upon.

so, bye!

thoughts and a story

im in the mood for a blog. that mood where you feel lke nothing matters at all. ever. anything we do is completely pointless. honestly thats true anything we do without God is nothing. God? does he even exist? dont answer that, it doesnt matter what you say, it wont satisfy me. right now im just going to love. thats all that matters. i think. ughhh.

okay so i said there was going to be a story. not in the mood. but whatever.
its my story.

as ive grown ive asked all the questions with no answers. the hardest was that my uncle was going to hell. wth? (no pun intended) whats wrong with beliving differently than me? we are only humans, what we think doesnt matter. watever. so i became an agnostic sort of deist. i was at ets like this for forever.

that was until one night when i was lying in my bed and i basically told God that if he wanted me to follow him ever, He would have to get me, not the other way because i had tried it the other way. he came, tangibly. i FELT him. i loved him.

thats it, but now i wonder if it wasnt the god i thought it was.

anyway, leave feedback. or not. it doesnt matter. right now, nothing does.